We’ve all seen those men at the mall. A guy will be walking quickly down the aisle next to his preteen son. He’s got an earring -- and a ponytail down his back -- just like junior. Or there’s the guy at a soccer game. When his kid scores a goal, he’s the first one off the sidelines to give him a double high-five.It’s obvious that for many dads, being buds with their kids is as simple as doing all they can to extend their own adolescence. After all, don’t most men feel like they’re just big kids wrapped in a body that refuses to defy gravity? So if they can’t delay the inevitable or admit to the physically obvious, a few will try to stay young by their behavior. Having a child somehow gives them permission to act their shoe size, not their age.Is this what their child wants? More important, is this what their child needs?
TWO TYPES OF COOL
There are two types of cool: short-term and long-term.
The “short-term cool dad” does what he can to relate to his child the way a buddy would -- and not just occasionally. He believes that to win his child, he must look the part. That means his clothes, hair, jewelry, music and movie tastes match his younger charge.
A “long-term cool dad” has the bigger picture in mind. He realizes that having his child’s friends think he’s cool is a pretty weak goal. He’d much rather settle for that special moment off in the future when he overhears his son or daughter telling their spouse something like this: “My dad was cool; he was fair. He listened, too. Yeah, he was kinda dorky sometimes, but I didn’t need another buddy. I needed someone to help keep me in line. Sure he made mistakes, but for the most part, he was cool.”
WHAT MAKES A COOL DAD?
While I know it’s those other men walking the malls with their kids who are trying too hard to be cool, we all need some brief reminders to encourage us to pursue the long-term cool dad approach. As I’ve observed what I consider cool dads in action, as I’ve talked with youngsters (who definitely have an opinion on this subject), and as I’ve made mistakes with my own kids, I’ve noticed 5 attributes of a long-term cool dad.
1. He understands his child’s embarrassment.I remember dropping my son, Troy, off for his first day of school in fourth grade. After meeting the teacher, I went back outside to the playground to say goodbye. All his buddies were around, but it didn’t even hit me he didn’t want to give his ol’ dad a hug. About 20 feet away he gave me a weak wave and turned toward his friends. I was still clueless. Calling his name I kept walking toward him until he turned around. He knew what was coming. His eyes pleaded for me not to touch him, but I was on a “hug mission” and wouldn’t be deterred.Later that evening my wife took me aside. “Troy told me you hugged and kissed him on top of the head today at school in front of his friends. Now, don’t take this wrong, but that really embarrassed him.”He’s growing up, I thought. I can’t give him any more affection in public until he’s 25 and doesn’t care about the crowd anymore.After apologizing -- telling him I would try not to embarrass him again -- I hugged him. “Hugging at home is still OK, isn’t it?” I said.“For a little while longer, but no kissing.”Respecting your child’s space and his or her wishes isn’t easy. But a cool dad makes sure he knows in what ways he can embarrass his child ... and doesn’t do it!
2. He listens first.There will always be words to say; every dad has a sermon ready to preach when his kid steps out of line. The “right and wrong” stuff is easy to dish out. And we need to dish it out. But as they say in comedy: “Timing is everything.”The junior high son of a friend of mine came home one semester with an “unacceptable grade.” He had a “D” in a report card otherwise filled with As and Bs. My friend’s first inclination was to call him on the carpet, revoke privileges, make him quit basketball and cut his pizza allowance in half. When the two sat on opposing couches that night, the son was ready for the worst.“Tell me about that D,” the dad said calmly.“Huh?” came the dumbfounded response.“Your side, I want to hear your side.”After a few stammers, the son talked about the teacher not liking athletes, his desire to do well in more important classes, how everyone hated that particular teacher ... and the fact he’d chosen to goof around a bit more than usual.“What do you think I can do to encourage you to take each of your classes a bit more seriously?” Dad queried.Again, stunned into silence by this low-key blow, his son searched for words. “Well, I guess you could get me talking a little more specifically about each of my classes during the term and remind me to work hard in them all.”“That’s fair. I can do that. Now what should we do about this D?”“Well, two weeks without watching sports on TV would probably get my attention.”Though the dad couldn’t believe his son had just chosen his own punishment, he fought the urge to grin. The issue was settled, and he didn’t have to moralize once. All he did was ask questions ... and listen.No, not every issue can be handled this way -- or this easily -- but most can. Listening first, asking a few questions and letting your child talk will communicate respect quicker than any logical fatherly counsel. And it usually accomplishes your goal of changed behavior.
3. He uses his weaknesses as strengths.When I was in full-time youth ministry, several members of my group felt it was their mission to let me know the state of my retreating hairline. Since I was only in my 20s, their gentle jabs were a continual reminder that I was getting old -- and therefore, a little less attractive. Did I get defensive or quietly let them know I didn’t like it? Nope. Instead, I used it. By pointing out -- and making a joke of -- a visible “imperfection,” I somehow got a little closer to their level. I wasn’t “Joe Perfect, Youth Leader” who pontificated from on high. I was a normal guy with weaknesses. I could be trusted; listened to.Are you short? Is your hairline in full-blown retreat? Do your ears stick out, or is your nose a little big? Are there a few too many pounds around the middle?For those who endured ridicule about physical imperfections during their own growing up years, letting others make a joke might resurrect bad memories. But if you are secure enough in who God made you to be, then minor imperfections like a bulging waistline can win you the right to be heard with your kids.Let them make fun of you once in a while (making sure the comments aren’t malicious, of course). When they do it in front of your boss, you can let them know later that wasn’t the time, but don’t come down too hard. They’re making the effort to bring you down to their level. That’s a good sign. Just smile and use it for what it is: an immature way to try to get closer to you.When your son or daughter hits the teen years, they’ll need to hear less sermons and more self-revealing. “Failure” stories have the potential to teach more than “adult victorious living” stories. You don’t have to tell them all of your deep, dark secrets -- just some of them. If they see you as a fallible human -- like them -- they’ll be more likely to talk to you when they blow it. Which is what you want anyway.
4. He admits his mistakes.It finally happened. My son caught my eyes wandering toward a shapely female in a restaurant. I had vowed to myself this would never occur; that I’d always be a good example and keep my eyes focused straight ahead. Actually, I wasn’t really looking, she just walked into the area where my eyes happened to be at the time ... (He didn’t believe me either.)“Ooooh, Dad you looked at her. I saw you.”“Looked at who?” I innocently replied.“You know, that lady in the tight dress.”“Son, your dad is married. He doesn’t need to look at women in skimpy, low-cut dresses.”“What does low-cut mean?”Gotcha!I now have a new general rule: Whenever I start talking about myself in the third person, I’m trying to avoid something.Fortunately, he didn’t press it any further. (Which I thanked him for later, since my dear wife was with us.) But I really blew an opportunity. I should have said: “You’re right, Son, I did look at her. Men have a tough time not looking at women just for their bodies, even old married guys like your dad. But it’s not right, is it? God didn’t create women just to be looked at, did He?”Next time.
5. He acts like an adult, but understands what it’s like to be a kid. My wife has a tough time understanding boys. She doesn’t understand why shoot-em-up action movies are so engaging. They’re boys! And dads like me have been given an awesome task in assisting their safe navigation toward becoming a man. Sometimes that means remembering the days when life was simple: childhood.As much as I’d sometimes like to return to those carefree days, I can’t. Though I can (and do) live a little through my kids’ lives -- I am selective. They need me to stay an adult. I’m their visible lighthouse, pointing out the rocks and guiding them to safe harbors. If I acted like a flashlight in the fog, the consequences could be disastrous.It’s often easier to be a flashlight, but I’ve taken the challenge (most of the time) to be an immovable lighthouse. It’s what they need, it’s what they want.It’s what I need and what I want, too.
By Greg Johnson for “New Man” magazine.