Dear Frigidly-30-and-not-been-laid,
How time flies isn't it? Barely 7 years ago, we were course-mates at the Academy. Now you are here working for me. I must confess that when I saw your name in the posting order last week, I made a face. In fact I contorted it so badly I drove home looking like Quasimodo from
Notre Dame. Scared the wife and doggies silly. Thanks.
So how have you been? Hate Men? Still think they are worthless, bottom-feeding, detritus-gobbling, scumbags best left to their own devices in this sordid, pathetic little pornographic cesspool of silicon-enhanced mammaries? Sure you do. This vendetta against Man-kind has been going on for some 15 years no?
Which reminds me. Have you used that pink vibrator Mark and Chris cheekily got you for Xmas '98? We know you didn't toss it like you said you would. How else could you have
tahan-ed till now? You have needs too we understand. Anyway, I've decided that I will be nice and allow you to bring it to office. You can keep it in your drawer. Just between you and me ok? For old times sake.
So now that you are here, there are a few things I thought I'll let you know. Some House Rules.
1. You will call me Sir. Not by my Surname, not by my Christian name and certainly not by my Nickname. Just Sir, thank you. Not happy? Too bad. I out-rank you.
2. When I ask you, no, when I TELL you to do something, I would appreciate minimum cuss and fuss. Don't tell me how you do things the way you did them before. And how they have worked so well for you. I am not interested. Here you do things the Sinatra way, My Way.
3. Spare me the Girl-power bullshit.
4. Normal women have a 28-day cycle. If yours strangely arrives every 7 days, I suggest you get your uterus removed. Heck, get them to snip off the fallopian tubes too just in case. Like you would be needing them right?
5. Do not nag in my presence. If you must, I suggest you do so in French. Its such a beautiful language
oui? m
erci beaucoup.
6. Our officers are human-beings too. I know it is your Calling to be-little everyone except god, the parents and perhaps your pet iguana. But don't you think its high time for some good
Karma?
7. The reccommended volume when talking to colleagues and subordinates is 60 decibels. Not the 110 you are so used to.
8. Concealer works wonders. My gay cousin tells me Shu Uemura is fantastic.
9. I promise to keep you informed whenever NTUC has a special offer for Listerine mouth-wash. 5 cartons should see you through the month.
10. I don't mind it when you bring work home. Just leave my Handphone number alone. If you must, there is a plethora of 1900 numbers you can dial.
I think we can try to have a fruitful time here together. You, in your shit-hole on the 1st floor and me, in my penthouse on the 7th.
If not...well... I will be out in 6 months. Then you can take-over as Dowager.
Yours demeaningly,
Sir