Of Brits and Tits, Claws and Paws

Never, I say never, bring Brits for a seafood dinner in Geylang. Just stuff them with Fish and Chips and call it a day.

The Missus had to host an important Brit client and his wife to dinner today and I had to tag along to make it a couple-couple kinda thingee. Actually she told me that I was a repository of himbotic and frivolous information and so could help her entertain them with some small talk. In other words, I was so full of shit. She has such an esteemed opinion of me the Missus :)) But I digress...

Anyway dinner started innocently enough at our favorite seafood restaurant in the middle of the red-light district with a request by Mr Brit not to order chicken cos he had an allergy to poultry. That meant all egg dishes as well. Allergic to chicken? What? Lucky we were in a SEAFOOD restaurant.

When asked if the both of them could take chilli and spicy stuff, the 2 angmos said they could not. Yet they insisted on ordering the chilli and white pepper crabs because they had heard so much about it and wanted to give it a go.

Fine, so we ordered

1. Chilli Crab
2. White Pepper Crab
3. Fried Vermicelli with Lobster
4. Fried Baby Squid
5. Baby Kai Lan stir-fried with Garlic
6. Pork Ribs (Pai Kuat Worng)

By the 1st crab claw, both angmos were watering badly and were blowing their noses into the wet towels. ewwww. The 2 ice-cold Heinekens I ordered couldn't help. They also didn't take too kindly to the baby squid because they remarked that the little deep-fried critters looked like something straight out of Fear Factor. Mrs Brit 'jokingly' said that the vermicelli resembled knitting thread while Mr Brit ate his pork ribs whole, crunching the bones like a dog until I told him that he was just supposed to bite the meat off. About the only dish that was spared some form of comment was the Vege. Even then, the way the 2 angmos pronouced Kai Lan sounded vulgar :))

And for some reason tonight, the whole restaurant was teeming with PRC streetwalkers and their dirty old men having dinner, presumably before scooting off to a cheap hotel down the road. So tits were aplenty. Mr Brit was visibly horny about it. Can't say the same for Mrs Brit though :)) Completing her fantastic dining experience were 2 tomcats who kept playing footsie, or should I say paw-sie, with her toes under the table. She is so not a feline fan.

Thank god it started raining after dinner so we didn't have to bring them to the Night Safari. But I don't think Mr Brit would have felt up to it anyway, for a twilight Tram ride that is, because the Missus and me realised too late, after dropping them off at the hotel, that the Chill Crab gravy contained enough egg to kill him... ahahaha!

Dirty Little Secret

I've always wondered if homosexuality is a product of nature or nurture. After what I witnessed last night, I've come to the conjecture that perhaps its a bit of a torture. Both for the homo who has to hide his 'dirty' little secret as well as for the unfortunate soul who has to witness the 'dirty' little deed(s).

Joe lives in the apartment directly across from mine. Nice fella, always with a ready smile and also a little bit of a fashionista. He's a Air Steward you see, so being friendly and dressing up is all part of the game :)) But I've always suspected that Joe was gay. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. I can sense these things. Its the way he looks at you, how he talks, the body-hugging tanktops and tiny shorts he wears when we are in the gym together and the constant metrosexual undertones that seem to pervade our conversations.

Joe has a live-in girlfriend. I don't see much of her because I think she flies as well. Infact I usually see one or the other. Sexy little thing she is. Yummies.

And so last night I got back late from work. I was in a little corner of our underground carpark trying to scrape some dried pigeon guano off my bootlid. Joe drove by in his baby Lexus but didn't see me. Parked his car some distance away and...ooo...a strapping ang mo man came out of the IS200 together with him. After Joe locked the doors, they walked to the lift lobby with Mr Ang Mo's arm on Joe's waist, locked in a couple's embrace. ewww.

I went back up to my apartment about 10mins later. After my shower, I settled down to make myself a cuppa coffee in the kitchen. And when I looked downstairs, I could make out 2 shadowy figures in one corner of the un-lit pool. Trust me when I tell you I can make out 2 men in the pool, even in the moonlight. 1 tall, 1 short. No trouble guessing who. They were huddled closely together and god knows up to what. Incidentally they were in the same corner of the pool where a poor old lady had drowned recently. I was half-hoping her wandering spirit would scare the shit out of them for having the gall to make out at 1am and dirty the water in the process :))

Well I was on Cable till about 2.30 when I heard noises of someone leaving Joe's apartment. I looked out of my peephole and caught Mr Ang Mo giving Joe what looked like a goodnite peck on the cheek. Joe was clad only in his boxers. Nabeh! At about 3, Joe's girlfriend opened his door noisily and dragged her suitcase into the apartment.

Needless to say, I went to bed feeling hot and bothered :))

The Mission Impossible of Chinese Wedding Dinners

...a guest blog from the untie-in-waiting in the form of RCC's very own crude cephalopod...nearly choked to death laffing at her compraints!!! :)) Way to go Un-tie Jo...

===========================================

Part I - I want to comprain!!!

Why do people hold cheesy wedding dinners knowing how cheesy the wedding dinner is!!!

I swear that as sure as the muffin flies :)), I shall not hold a traditional Chinese wedding dinner.

• U invite 300+ people, 250 of which u have not seen in the last 365 days. It makes the whole wedding so sian!
• U think of who to invite – u sian
• Ur guests receive your wedding invite – they sian
• U think of who to sit with who – u sian
• Ur guests arrive at the wedding n realize they dunno who they r sitting with – they sian
• Ur guests sit with other people they dunno well so they dun dare to help themselves to the food so food is wasted – u feel u wasted ur money, they feel they’ve wasted their money – both u n ur guests all sian
• Ur guests leave the wedding dinner after eating for more than 2 hours but stil feeling hungry – they sian
• U pay premium rates to hold a wedding on a weekend as opposed to a weekday – u sian
• Ur guests burn a wkend night to attend the wedding, somemore must give angbao – they sian

Now can someone explain to me why they wan to throw traditional Chinese wedding dinner again? (hahahahahahahaha - unker kona)

Part II – the sibeh sian wkend!

Over the weekend, I attended (might I add, unwilling) a relative’s wedding dinner held at the GRAND ballroom of a 3-star hotel in Singapore.

So we arrived fashionably late at 8, and were seated with the family of my relative’s mother’s sister’s family, whom I do not know. The daughter of the sister of the mother of the groom was nice n civil about making small talk, but I felt like being a snob (this one damn tao - unker kona) n not b too chatty that evening.

Before dinner starts, the MC (who must have scored excellently for the “Read the Passage” component of her primary school oral exam) invited us to view a presentation of “the lives of the bride and groom”.

Why huh?? Why must make people see ur naked baby picture??? I tink it’s to let relatives who have not spoken to you before know what a handsome groom/beautiful bride u’ve grown up to be! Or is it for them to recognize u as the boy/girl who fought with their kid for that piece of bak kua during the Chinese New Year of 1987.

The couple marches in then comes the next unbearable part – the VERY COLD cold dish…

Cold dish, u know, the one with the jellyfish n salad prawns. The dish is ok, but why do they have to make such a “exciting” entrance? As if it is a big no-no to serve it just like any other dish, die die must use some exciting music by the string quartet Bond or the Mission Impossible theme, not as if the waiters going to descend into the hall suspended from the ceiling with cables!! Make the whole atmosphere so exciting for what??

The side doors swing open, servers line up on both sides of the isle, 5 on each side. Then 2 team leaders walk down the aisle carrying the dish meant for the VIP table. Everytime they walk in between a pair of servers, the servers must exchange place with the server they r facing, the one standing on the left change place with the one standing on the right, n vice versa… wah! Stil got formation one leh! The aisle so narrow! i dun tink many people noticed it anyway!

Then I noticed what they were using to decorate the dish. Optic fibre “flowers” that children play with during Chinese New Year, commonly available from funfairs at Marina Square – somemore can change color – red, green, blue n purple! So exciting…. NOT! *rolls eyes*

Then the other dishes come – roast chicken, steamed fish, sea cucumber with mushrooms n vege, by 9.30, they’ve only served half the menu!! 1.5 hours – 5 dishes? Mayb they shd jus play the Mission Impossible music in their kitchen to speed things up la. u let the guests listen to that music, the guests eat faster only.

Suffice to say, I made an (valid) excuse to leave the dinner early – I needed to go pak-tor. This is valid becos the mother of the groom ask me when is it my turn mah, so now I quickly go pak-tor then I quickly make it my turn lor! Wahahahah!

unker kona recommends unkster muzak (part 2)

20000 WATT R.S.L. - MIDNIGHT OIL
a highly politically-conscious australian quintet, the band rocked their way thru the mid 80s right upto the the early 90s...playing songs of shocking cohesiveness and distinct togetherness with the issues of the day...this album is a terrific overview of their material...songs which are so full of passion that they are positively scorching...one for the years...listen to the words of BEDS ARE BURNING...oooooh momma!!! :)



THE BEST OF - COLD CHISEL
few people outside of australia would have heard of them and their charismatic, hard-drinking lead singer jimmy barnes...i lived in australia from 90-93, and had never heard of them till i moved there....and what a pleasant shock it was when I found myself hearing their brand of rock and singing/stomping like a mad man along with the songs...this band is the essence of Oz - raw power and emotion with simply great tunes to back them...at the time of these recordings, jimmy barnes was singlehandedly drinking enough vodka to keep the Soviet Union's alcohol industry afloat...listen to KHE SANH, GOODBYE ASTRID GOODBYE, CHOIR GIRL, FLAME TREES and WHEN THE WAR IS OVER for a representation of what they do...simply divine!



THE GREATEST HITS - INXS
AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI!!! when michael hutchence died tragically, i was distraught to say the least...i spent my formative high school and university years listening to this tightly-wrought band which fast became my absolute favourite...i still remember watching them play in a small cosy pub where i studied and it was an experience only second to seeing U2 live during the joshua tree tour...this album is quite a fitting eulogy to the man...he gave the band his charisma, energy, sensuality and funk...hell, he even gave good ole fishlips Jagger a run for his money in sheer rockability and raw sex appeal...every song in this album rox...but the one standout for me would be SUICIDE BLONDE (ironically)...RIP MICK :(

footnote - they have recently reformed with J.D. Fortune as the lead singer...he was picked from a diverse group of musicians in a american-idol-style reality show called ROCKSTAR:INXS...only time will tell if he can hold a candle to the flame that was mick hutchence...



THE BEST OF - HOWARD JONES
another synth-pop legend...woefully under-rated and largely forgotten due to shifting trends on the music industry...terrifically lyrical and heartfelt...recommended listens are LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU WELL, EVERLASTING LOVE, THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER, WHAT IS LOVE and the wistful NO ONE EVER IS TO BLAME (my personal favourite)...



THE HITS / THE B-SIDES - PRINCE
the mission impossible - to write 100 words on 56 songs by the greatest artist the '80s produced

no way jose...can't do it sir...die die oso cannot!!! this collection of 3 CDs showcases the purple one's musical journey from 1978 to 1992...a potent melting pot of different musical influences (however much he could be influenced and not the one doing the influencing)...the man is pretty much undefinable...funky, soulful, infectiously danceable and dark hedonistic eroticism are descriptions only scratching the surface...

"You can be the side effect," he mutters within. "I'd rather be the dope." Witness some of the funkiest pharmaceuticals products around in this 3 disc collectable :D



BABY I DON'T CARE (A BEST OF) - TRANSVISION VAMP
ah, wendy james....one of my biggest infatuations back then...loud, sassy and made some of the trashiest pop rock i've ever heard...this music is so vacuous it almost breaks your heart, but it sounds so effin' amazing :))...BABY I DON'T CARE is one of the most nihilistic bubble gum songs of the 1980's...instantly catchy, anthemic and totally smashing! other standouts are VELVETEEN, TELL THAT GIRL TO SHUT UP, REVOLUTION BABY, and SISTER MOON...but strangely, one of my personal favourites PSYCHOSONIC CINDY isn't included...

p.s. i went for their concert in perth 3 days in a row with front row seats...could see her knickers...mwahahahaha... :P



GLITTERING PRIZE 81/92 - SIMPLE MINDS
anyone who was around in the `80s has heard this scottish band at one time or another whether they know it or not, probably from the BREAKFAST CLUB theme, DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME...jim kerr fronts the band with a smooth, hypnotic voice that helps give simple minds its unique sound...other standouts include ALIVE AND KICKING, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE IN SUMMERTIME, ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID and WATERFRONT...



THE BEST OF - ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK
classic early '80s synth-pop...brilliant orchestration and low-key tempos and sugary melodies keep the songs rich but not totally fluffy...glassy silky smooth vocals from paul humphrey and andy mccluskey...consistently clever pop music...big in the UK where they hailed from but never made it mega in the US until their song IF YOU LEAVE was featured in the seminal movie PRETTY IN PINK....pretty unheralded mostly i still think...but if you miss them out, you'll be poorer for it...


THE SINGLES - THE SMITHS
the smiths were one of the bands that defined the 80s for me (at least for brit pop)...morrissey's deft vocals, johnny marr's guitar - the whole effect is so much more emotional than the self-conscious stuff that passes as pop now...every song here is unlike all the cookie-cutter tunelessness we get today...alternative rock at its best, jingly-jangly guitar riffs, brooding and very English vocals, fastpaced and morose in just the right doses...have a listen...you'll enjoy it :)


THE BEST OF - NEW ORDER
more intelligent britpop...the former joy division after ian curtis passed on...New Order came to prominance in the British scene with their blend of punk, dance, and pop music...the forefathers of synth-pop...personal favourites are RUINED IN A DAY and 1963...and of course TRUE FAITH and BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE deserve a mention...

Winter Wonderland, really TWISTED

You know its less than a month to the big Yuletide day when the DJs play all the Christmasy stuff on radio. Not that I'm complaining cos the carols do set you in the mood to part with all that moolah on presents, decorations and turkey. Tis' the season to be jolly rite? Ho Ho Ho!

Just the other day, I laughed myself silly when this twisted version of Winter Wonderland was playing on radio. You really have to listen to it to appreciate the kinkiness of it all. Well here are the lyrics...try singing them out loud, alone...

Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear - Bob Rivers

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Lacy things- missin'
Didn't ask- permission
Wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

ahahaha! :))

So what's your favorite Christmas Carol? I don't have one but when it comes to these things, give me the old-skool unkers anyday. Fellas like Bing Crosby, ole' blue eyes Frank Sinatra and gruff-daddy Louis Armstrong. But I must admit that I have a soft-spot for Wham and Georgie boy's cheesy-but-oh-so-teasy Last Christmas :))

unker kona recommends unkster muzak (part 1)

SONGS FROM THE BIG CHAIR - TEARS FOR FEARS
timeless brit pop....standouts are of course SHOUT, HEAD OVER HEELS and EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD...







DISCOGRAPHY - PET SHOP BOYS
another spearhead of the brit invasion...this album has the 1st 18 singles on 1 disc in chronological order...as such, it is a terrific CD to buy as your 1st PSB album...it offers a kickass overview of their material...infectious, unadulterated fun and intelligent music at its finest...




THE GREATEST HITS - DURAN DURAN
the band that gave us THE REFLEX and other glam-pop ditties like HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF, RIO, GIRLS ON FILM, PLANET EARTH, ELECTRIC BARBARELLA et al..the vanguard of the brit invasion of the 80s...the fab five...what more can i say...simply can't do without it!





POP! - ERASURE
club dance-techno-pop classic from the duo of vince clarke (formerly of depeche mode) and andy bell (formerly of the communards)...listen to THE CIRCUS...a damning critique of the issues with technology...a mainstay of the retro movement ;)






DEPECHE MODE - 101
if one hasn't heard of the pre-eminent electronica band of the 80s, then where have you been? as an introduction to dave gahan, martin gore and the rest, i implore u...please....have a listen to this one...







CHRONICLES - CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL
classic southern blues rock n roll band which had their heyday in the late 60s...go listen, i guarantee you will enjoy it...






BREAD - THE BEST OF
david gates and the rest of the gang were nigh on geniuses...genuinely hummable and sublime melodies...








HELL FREEZES OVER - THE EAGLES
the comeback album from the masters of AOR...this is recorded as DDD format...clarity is superb and soundstaging is excellent...the live version of HOTEL CALIFORNIA deserves its place in the lists of modern classics...for all fans of the eagles, you cannot do without this one...





RATTLE AND HUM - U2
another classic from U2...check out their version of the bob dylan classic ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER...stupifyingly good :D







THE JOSHUA TREE - U2
still THE U2 album for me...seminal...unbelievable guitar riffs from the Edge and Bono's incredible vocals...how to go wrong buying this one???

Back To The Old Skool

You know they have this segment on Class95 radio called Back To The Old Skool where listeners can request for songs that remind them of their school days. Each dedication is accompanied by a short ditty on why the song is so special. Some are pretty hilarious.

Well if I happen to be driving home from work or to dinner during the show, I'd tune in. Never fails to bring back some memories of my own...

What's Love Got To Do With It - Tina Turner

During the Prefects' year end party in primary school circa 1984, some of us guys were tasked to put up a short item to amuse the seniors. I had a good friend called Lionel who was pretty effeminate. Tina Turner's What's Love Got To Do With It was pretty much ruling the airwaves at the time and since Lionel was eurasian, brownish and had pouty lips like hers, he was arrowed to do an impersonation. I remember a couple of us spraying a mop black with streaks of gold to be put on his head and then waiting by the radio hoping to catch the song and record it on cassette. Needless to say, Lionel was a hit, after he got over the trauma of being forced to perform that is. Till this day, we call him Tina :))

We Belong Together - Los Lobos

The song was originally done by Richie Valens but he died in a plane crash. And in the 1987 movie La Bamba, which was about Valens' life-story, Los Lobos did an excellent cover which became a hit. I was in Sec 2 in '87, had just picked up the guitar in church and there was this girl Jessica from our Youth Ministry who had a crush on me. Yes I know we were younglings :)) And so one day the both of us were up on the roof whilst the rest were at the church courtyard downstairs having a BBQ. As the sun began its descent behind the swaying casurina trees in the distance, I started strumming and singing like a romantic romeo. It must have sounded quite horrible since I had just learnt to play but what the heck, I'm sure Jessie enjoyed every note :P Until Pastor Wong suddenly interrupted our twilight twosome because the rest wanted a group photo. Dammit! We Belong Together earned me a chastise for having the gall to sing a secular lovesong in church. But it also earned me a girlfriend :)) Priceless!

When Will I See You Again - Brother Beyond

Oliver, my best friend from secondary school, and I were head-over-heels crazy about Lynette during our first 3 months in Junior College. She eventually chose to go out with me. But you know how these things are, there were already awkward feelings between the two of us. I mean we behaved like gentlemen but boy was he moody. Lynette eventually moved to the States after our first 3 months in JC. On the day of her departure, some of us schoolmates were at the airport to see her off. I had my Walkman plugged-in on the bus on the way back home from the airport. Brothers Beyond (Hope) were crooning on the radio amidst the pitter-patter of raindrops against the window. Melancholic to say the least!

So there, a couple of songs from me. What songs 'did it' for you? ;)

Some People Blog

An ode to our readers who are bloggers themselves...


Some People Blog
in Life's seemingly endless fog
because words can give direction
amidst the confusion of emotion

Some People Blog
like a big fat slobbering dog
sweet, faithful and sincere
you wonder if they had too much beer

Some People Blog
like they're getting a flog
the pain of heartbreak and loneliness is palpable
dare you say its not possible?

Some People Blog
and boy, do they go the whole hog
every little iota of their day is revealed
going to the loo is not concealed

Some People Blog
Like them, I Blog
not through the fog like a flogged hog
perhaps a drunk dog

Flick and Click

On Sunday, I was made to sit through an excruciating photo viewing session by one of wifey's friends who had just returned from holidaying in Barcelona and Madrid. All blardy 2 hours of it and boy it was such a pain.

Very lovely cities but most of the photos sucked big time. There was hardly any composition to speak of, the framing was abit iffy, the angles boring and the light just too harsh in most of the shots. And the fella was using a DSLR to boot. Tsk! what a pity. After the 200th shot of yet another 'interesting' cathedral, plus the incessant drone of his running commentary, my mind started to wonder about supper.

I mean I'm no expert in photography myself but I do know a good photo when I see one. Somehow, it just speaks to you. Your eyes will linger at the right places and there is a sense of balance and interesting-ness about the image. You should be able to tell from a good shot why the photographer took it in the first place.

Well here are some of my current favs from this great photo-webby called flickr. Wish I could take shots like that...

Wat Unties Say About Unkers

So the Mrs and me were over at David and Sharon's place on Saturday evening. Hubby and Wifey, both lawyers and Indian Catholics, had us and some mutual friends over for Deepavali dinner. We figured they just needed a reason to booze and blab, we were right.

Sharon's a great cook and after a stomach-stretching degaustation of Masala, Mysore, Tandoori and Tikka, husbands and wives somehow split up for some wine and girl-talk. Boys at the open verandah with their Sauvignon Blancs and Pinot Noirs, Girls in the kitchen with their Tequilas and..errr..tongues :))

And little did the girls know that we could hear them bitching about us from the sink as they did the dishes. So with wine glasses/cigars in hand and trying our darnest not to giggle like pre-pubescent schoolgirls, the four of us listened intently to what the wives had to say about their 30-something husbands...

a. Guys have an uncanny knack of farting in enclosed spaces. Under the sheets, in the car, taking the elevator. You name it, they've farted in it. And it smells worst than a decomposing hamster carcass left to rot in the storeroom for 6 days. (We say, Bollocks! As if the girls' gases smell any better. And men of ALL ages fart ok.)

b. Suddenly, preening and pouting infront of the gym mirror has become de rigueur. Do the guys do this in the hope of getting more sex and muscles or is there some fairer sex at the office they hope to get? (We say, vain cannot ah? And we need strong arms to help the SYT secretary carry heavy files you know).

c. Guys DO NOT listen. And worst, they love to walk around the house while talking to you such that their voices trail in and out of the conversation as they enter the kitchen, bathroom, study, toilet, storeroom, shoe cabinet..etc...So irritating!(We say, who ask you to be such a nag?)

d. The lolita-complex is slowly emerging. More than once, they have waxed-lyrical over younglings Hermoine Granger and Fleur Delacour from Harry and his Potter:)) (We say, No Comment! Wait get arrested)

e. Sometimes, the guys are better off married to their laptops since they spend more time clicking and typing than kissing and holding hands. (We say, how you know we never hold hands online?)

f. What's this blardy obsession with Lin Zhiling? For chrissake she has fake boobies! (We say, you have her face and body then come and talk ok?)

g. Guys are all secretly afraid of their Mummies. (We say, oooo MILFS! Bring them on!)

h. Birthday presents are getting more and more pathetic. (We say, not as if you girls would pay for us to go catch the Pussy Cat Dolls in Vegas)

They were about to discuss sex until someone whispered that she thought they were yakking too loudly...DAMMIT! :))

10 Unker Tips To Snag That SYT (And Keep Her)

Perhaps Unker Muffy can provide some advise. Are you listening all ye recently broken-hearted and ignored? :))

1. Bottoms up, shoes maketh the man. There is a pair for every occasion. Have them nice and clean please. They speak volumes about your taste and attention to detail. Ditto about fingernails and toenails. An expensive shirt and tie ensemble cannot save scruffy footwear and left-over booger under the cuticles :))

2. 'No' is just a 2-letter word. Learn when to accept it with grace and dignity. However, do note that sometimes a 'no' actually means a 'yes'. We're talking women here, hello! :))

3. Be yourself, but you don't have to tell her EVERYTHING about your deep, dark, sordid past do you? Just titillate her with the fact that you are no angel.

4. Sometimes the moody aesthetics of the bedroom and the words you whisper do much more for multiple orgasms than your manhood and groping paws.

5. There is a real danger of being so Metrosexual that she doesn't want to get sexual with you anymore. Your best metrosexual bits turn her on when she least expects it. Surprise!

6. Listen without Prejudice. And no, I'm not talking George Michael here. Talented faggot 'tho.

7. Don't fake maturity, they can tell. On the other hand, don't act cute, it really sucks when you can't carry it off.

8. Your IQ will attract them, your EQ will snag them, but it is your AQ that will sustain them. caveat : I'm assuming above average numbers here :))

9. Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

10. Put your character and career in place and the good, discerning chicks will pick you out accordingly. They have a way of sniffing out Security, don't worry.

so there! happy hunting :))

Metrosexual Flower Talk

Jo said I am a metrosexual SNAG because I like flowers. Really? I think it has to do with the fact that I did a short course on Botany in the U and had so many pretty aspiring botanists for company that I got hooked on the cute petals :))

Well my Significant Others have always received flowers from me. Not so much because I thought it romantic but because I am fascinated with flower architecture and color. I also happen to think that flowers and plants are perfect accents to any home if used correctly and strategically.

I have a soft spot for bulbous flowering plants like Lilies, Tulips and Gladiolus. As well as the longish tropical jungle-types like Ginger and Bird of Paradise. Their long stems/stalks and beautifully shaped flowers look poised in a simple elegant crystal vase.

Well here are some of my favs. And yes, you can stop laffing at this 'sissy' now! :))

Calla Lily


Gladiolus

Tulips


Bird of Paradise/Ginger

The Feng Shui Man Said: A Short Story (Chp 4)

The following story is fictional, or not. The characters depicted in the story are also fictional, or not. The events described in the story did happen, or maybe they didn't... I will write it over a period of time... you decide if its true or not..

Click the following for previous chapters:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3



The Feng Shui Man Said

Chapter 4: The Thong Suei Project

"Thong Suei!", said Michael with a big grin on his face as he eased the green 528i out of the basement parking lot onto Jalan Damansara. "300 bowls a day to break even".

"What the fuck is that?", I asked.

I was tired, after pulling an all nighter at the office. I had to get several projects out of the way before my trip.

"Chinese desserts, my friend," he replied. "That's our new business".

"Who came up with that bullshit? Pek Yee?", I was bewildered. "Seriously, I think she has her head screwed on backwards sometimes."

Pek Yee was the third member of our unlikely business alliance. She used to be the Executive Secretary for the Bishop of Kuala Lumpur. One day, out of the blue, she resigned and went to work for a construction equipment trading firm. She was an accounting genius, and quite savvy it turned out. After just 6 months learning the ropes there, she opened her own place with another partner. Our little business venture was more like a hobby for her. But we needed her brains and accounting expertise, not to mention her bank account. A big fat one used to bankroll these little hobbies of hers.

"Actually, bro, It was my conclusion."

I glared at him.

"Ok, Ok, it was the feng shui analyses. I compared our 3 pieces and this is the only business that is compatible for the 3 of us together", he said. "Unless you want to get into professional mud wrestling."

"Mike!!! You of all people don't really believe in this feng shui shit do you? What a bloody waste of my time. I'm going to ask Pek Yee for my 400 ringgit back. Of all the hair-brained schemes she has come up with, this has to take the cake, or should I say dessert?"

Michael, used to be a priest. A Jesuit. Disillusioned by the whole establishment, he got fed up and left a few years before. He still had a strong belief in his faith. He also had a fetish for air stewardesses. Particularly cute, young ones. We were the best of friends. Some might even say we were soulmates.

"Anyway, I will be gone 3 weeks. I'm sure you can figure something else out during that time. I am not going to give up my job to scoop 300 bowls of red bean shit a night. Melanie will die laughing when I tell her this!"

"Too late. She already incorporated an entity and checked out some retail outlets. We are now proud business partners of a restaurant called "The Thong Suei Project". He tried to supress a giggle but burst out laughing instead.

We were now taking the Nilai exit off the Seremban highway. 10 minutes more and we would be at Sepang airport. I suddenly realized I did not do my usual last minute check for passport and tickets and frantically rummaged through my attaché case.

"So, what do you hope to achieve with this little adventure of yours? Pek Yee thinks your timing stinks. We need to get started on this project before she gets bored. You know here."

The lack of urgency in Michael's voice suggested to me he had gotten one of her pep talks the night before, and was just passing the message.

"Is it a purely shag trip or do you have a real agenda?", he said as we pulled into the departure drop off point.

"I haven't a damn clue bro! But I won't mind a shag. Take care and be good".


Chapter 5

Strange Bedfellows at Dinner

I just got home from a wedding dinner. Apart from being a little sloshed from the heady mixture of French Bordeaux and Louis XIII, I am a little amused with the company I had at my table tonight.

Well it was a University classmate's wedding and so the table was made up of, yes, ex-classmates.

Jessica and Jonathan sat at opposite ends of the table with their respective partners. You see, Jess and Jon used to date back in school. And what a infamous couple they were back then. It was rumored that you could hear muffled orgasmic screams coming from Jess' room on the 4th floor whilst cooking instant noodles in the kitchenette on the ground floor. Then there was the time when Jon opened his bag to fish out some notes and out popped Jess' black thong. But they were a beautiful couple, very happening and..errr...kinky. So it was wierd for the rest of us to see them with their respective spouses at dinner tonite. I caught Jon stealing a furtive glance at Jess who returned the look with a nonchalant, come-hither flip of her sensuous tresses. They hardly spoke to each other the entire evening but the latent electricity was probably enough to power Ang Mo Kio for a week. It was hilarious!

And then there was Gerald and Abel. Friends turned enemies because they both went after the same girl who turned out liked neither of them since she was too busy screwing the 38 yr old father of her tuition kid. Scandalous I tell you this girl. And very smart too since she could play one best friend against the other to perfection. Well the animosity between Gerald and Abel was still pretty much evident tonite with the both of them taking childish potshots at each other like two 10 yr olds. A sample :

Gerald :"Wah you all read the papers yesterday or not, 1 in 5 teens in S'pore has had pre-marital sex leh"

Abel : "Nabeh, please lah, at least they don't just jerk-off in their rooms like deprived sissies..come on.."

Gerald : "You don't meh? You have been jerking off since Sec 1...hur hur hur...remember you told me about Samantha Fox?.."

Abel : "errr Gerald, so your wife pregnant oredi or not?"

I nearly died laughing...

Joshua sat next to me in his impeccable Hugo Boss jacket and with his soft Indonesian-Chinese accent. What I learnt about style, I learnt from Joshua. Because Joshua is Gay and they know what and which is THIS season and what and which is THAT season. Joshua also liked telling us which boy he was currently screwing. It turns out to be this Swedish exchange student he met at Attica 3 months ago. "He has a dick the size of a Volvo" Joshua gushed. I cringed and unconsciously moved my wine glass away from his :)) Other then that, we had a jolly good time reminiscing about cute lecturers and pert boy-backsides. Joshua's a fun guy!

And there was Daphne who looked gorgeous in that little black dress.... also the reason why I'm a little sloshed with French Bordeaux and Cognac...sigh...

To bed then, its nearly 3.

*names have obviously been changed to protect the 'innocent' ;)

The Feng Shui Man Said: A Short Story (Chp 3)

The following story is fictional, or not. The characters depicted in the story are also fictional, or not. The events described in the story did happen, or maybe they didn't... I will write it over a period of time... you decide if its true or not..

Click the following for previous chapters:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2



The Feng Shui Man Said

Chapter 3: The Road to Cardiff

Melanie's husband's sister had died in a car accident the day before, I discovered. She swerved to avoid a french poodle that had strayed onto the street and lost control of her maroon Boxter. She slammed into a concrete wall. The force of the airbag, which had for some reason not deployed immediately, broke her neck.

The journey from London to Cardiff took just over 2 hours. Athena drove over 80 miles an hour for most of the way. But I felt safe in the confines of the red Volvo 440 we were in. I most appreciated the individually heated seats.

It had been nearly 8 years since I last traveled on the road to Cardiff. Melanie and I had spent a few days holidaying in London, before driving to Cardiff where Mel was reading Law at the University of Wales. I had traveled to Berlin for a conference and decided to take a detour for a few weeks. More memories of that last week together came rushing back with each passing mile. I remembered the night we went to the West End for a performance of Miss Saigon. That was the first time we kissed in public. Melanie had always steered clear of public displays of affection. But that night was special. As we walked out of Drury Lane, it was well past 10 at night. The pubs dotting the streets were packed that night. I remember being surprised at how the large, beer guzzling crowds spilled out onto the streets at almost every corner. It happened at the first street corner we reached, underneath a quaint green lamp. She squeezed my hand as she stopped walking. I had hardly turned to face her when she reached up and kissed me gently on my lips. As I embraced her, she whispered in my ear,

"I think I am falling in love with you".

I was jolted back to reality by the loud screeching of the large truck in front of us, and the deafening blast of the Volvos air horns. Athena expertly maneuvered her way around the rapidly slowing 18 wheeler and flicked her cigarette butt out the window.

"Kelvin had to head north to Glasgow after the funeral today to take care of family business. So you will stay with Mel instead of with me as originally planned. He will be gone for just under a month", Athena said as we exited the M4 and headed into downtown Cardiff.

The roads still looked familiar to me, despite the passage of time. The Rugby stadium looked as majestic as it did back then, probably with a new coat of paint from what I could tell. The light was fading fast, and as we pulled up to the front of the double story house at King George Avenue IV, the last traces of orange sunlight were disappearing in the distance.

Athena did not step out of her car. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered "don’t be naughty" before driving off. A dog barked in the distance, and then it was silent. I stood there under the streetlamp in front of Melanies house, without a clue what to expect for the next 3 weeks. I heard the sounds of a door being unlatched, and a slim, dark silhouette appeared in the doorway of the house. My heart skipped a beat as I got closer to the door. I could see her face clearly now, she was still as pretty as I remembered her.

We embraced and exchanged greetings. She had a pot of hot tea waiting. We sat down and chatted for a while. It was good to talk to her once again. The years just melted away. It was nearly 1 in the morning when she led me up the stairs to my room. I placed my luggage down besides the radiator grills, and turn around to face her.

"Good night Mel", I said.

She replied, "Do you fantasize about me every day?"

Shocked, I weakly blurt out a question, "Why do you ask me that?"

"Because since I fantasize about you every day, I thought you might as well".


Chapter 4

Our 'Dotter' Has a Tick Problem

This is Nicole, our dotter...



She is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (CKCS for short). And in case you are wondering, yes, she does behave like royalty :)) The little princess is spoilt rotten by moi, although she does get slapped by the Mrs on occasion when she takes the aristocratic bloodline a tad too far. Then she comes yelping to me.

We have another doggie we picked up from a pet shelter but I digress.

Nicole has never had a tick problem. Well not until last week when my wifey returned from a business trip to the UK. And yes, I got blamed for it since the princess was under my care. She called me a "hopeless fudder" *roll eyes* and admonished me with "I go away for a week only lidat" *roll eyes and fold arms*. Hmph!

We still dunno where Nicole picked up the creepy 8-leggies from. Her royal schedule and royal pee-and-poo route did not change when the wifey was away.

Wifey has fumigated our apartment with Tick-killer. I shall not reveal how many bastards crawled out from under our bed. Ewww. There was a Mother-tick the size of a watermelon seed and she had other baby-ticks on her body. New meaning to the word joyride siah.

At its peak, we found 14 creepy-crawlies on her. Poor girl. While our other dog had only 2. Maybe Nicole's blood is sweeter. Just this morning we found 1 more. Marked 'improvement' I suppose.

Well the extermination continues...will update on progress...

The Feng Shui Man Said: A Short Story (Chp 2)

The following story is fictional, or not. The characters depicted in the story are also fictional, or not. The events described in the story did happen, or maybe they didn't... I will write it over a period of time... you decide if its true or not..

Click for Chapter 1

The Feng Shui Man Said

Chapter 2: The Feng Shui Master

The Feng Shui master, a man of about fifty, was pacing up and down in his office, stopping occasionally to watch the magnificent Red Dragon swimming in the large aquarium which lined the entire back wall of the room. He returned to the desk that separated us and picked up the slip of paper I had filled out and scrutinized it carefully, running his right index finger to and fro, slowly and deliberately. It was almost as if he was purposely looking for spelling or grammatical errors. I noticed that his fingers were short and stubby, quite the opposite of the man himself, who was tall and well built. Only the skin folds under his chin and lines on his face indicated his age. Eventually, he looked up and stared directly at me.

"Why do you want me to analyze your kua numbers?", he said as he opened a drawer and took out a writing pad.

I didn't expect the question. I assumed the others had already discussed this with him.

"My business partners think it's a good idea," I said tentatively. "I thought they had already been here to see you".

The Feng Shui master sat down at his desk, punched some buttons on his telephone and picked up the receiver. He said something in a Chinese dialect I did not understand. He placed the receiver back down, looked up and said,

"What kind of business are you in?" he asked.

"Well, that's why we are taking turns to see you" I said. "If we can figure out what are the types of businesses to avoid or invest in, we can find some common areas and start something".

"Please wait outside", he said.

As I sat down in the reception area I noticed how pretty the girl behind the counter was. She had long black hair, which she tied into a pair of pony-tails. She twiddled with them as she went about her duties. Almost an hour later, her telephone beeped. She picked it up and then motioned for me to go back in. I'm almost certain she licked her lips and winked at me as I walked pass her. Or maybe that was just my imagination running wild.

"Here!", he said as he pushed a folded piece of pink paper across the table to me. "This is my analysis of your numbers in relation to business and general items like household design or placement of household items. Follow this to the letter and your business will take off."

I resisted the urge to read it there and then, and put it in my shirt pocket. As I stood up to leave, he reached across and grabbed me by the wrist of my left hand.

"Please...sit. I have something else to tell you".

I was baffled by his sudden gesture. As I sat down, the Feng Shui master leaned back and took off his glasses, wiped them vigorously and put them back on again. He had a strange look on his face, a cross between concern and deep thought.

"I decided to do a personal life assessment for you because I sensed you have some issues you need help understanding. Are you struggling with a personal issue right now?"

Taken aback I nodded slowly. Before I opened my mouth to speak, he gestured with his index finger for me not to say anything.

"I will tell you three things and I will not answer any questions. That is my condition. Do you agree?"

I nodded again.

"First, your quest for forbidden love can only commence with the death of another"

"Second, stay off the ice!"

"Third, you will find true love and lifelong happiness in similar circumstances as when you first chanced upon your false happiness"


Chapter 3

An Open Letter...

Dear Frigidly-30-and-not-been-laid,

How time flies isn't it? Barely 7 years ago, we were course-mates at the Academy. Now you are here working for me. I must confess that when I saw your name in the posting order last week, I made a face. In fact I contorted it so badly I drove home looking like Quasimodo from Notre Dame. Scared the wife and doggies silly. Thanks.

So how have you been? Hate Men? Still think they are worthless, bottom-feeding, detritus-gobbling, scumbags best left to their own devices in this sordid, pathetic little pornographic cesspool of silicon-enhanced mammaries? Sure you do. This vendetta against Man-kind has been going on for some 15 years no?

Which reminds me. Have you used that pink vibrator Mark and Chris cheekily got you for Xmas '98? We know you didn't toss it like you said you would. How else could you have tahan-ed till now? You have needs too we understand. Anyway, I've decided that I will be nice and allow you to bring it to office. You can keep it in your drawer. Just between you and me ok? For old times sake.

So now that you are here, there are a few things I thought I'll let you know. Some House Rules.

1. You will call me Sir. Not by my Surname, not by my Christian name and certainly not by my Nickname. Just Sir, thank you. Not happy? Too bad. I out-rank you.

2. When I ask you, no, when I TELL you to do something, I would appreciate minimum cuss and fuss. Don't tell me how you do things the way you did them before. And how they have worked so well for you. I am not interested. Here you do things the Sinatra way, My Way.

3. Spare me the Girl-power bullshit.

4. Normal women have a 28-day cycle. If yours strangely arrives every 7 days, I suggest you get your uterus removed. Heck, get them to snip off the fallopian tubes too just in case. Like you would be needing them right?

5. Do not nag in my presence. If you must, I suggest you do so in French. Its such a beautiful language oui? merci beaucoup.

6. Our officers are human-beings too. I know it is your Calling to be-little everyone except god, the parents and perhaps your pet iguana. But don't you think its high time for some good Karma?

7. The reccommended volume when talking to colleagues and subordinates is 60 decibels. Not the 110 you are so used to.

8. Concealer works wonders. My gay cousin tells me Shu Uemura is fantastic.

9. I promise to keep you informed whenever NTUC has a special offer for Listerine mouth-wash. 5 cartons should see you through the month.

10. I don't mind it when you bring work home. Just leave my Handphone number alone. If you must, there is a plethora of 1900 numbers you can dial.


I think we can try to have a fruitful time here together. You, in your shit-hole on the 1st floor and me, in my penthouse on the 7th.

If not...well... I will be out in 6 months. Then you can take-over as Dowager.


Yours demeaningly,

Sir

The Feng Shui Man Said: A Short Story (Chp 1)

The following story is fictional, or not. The characters depicted in the story are also fictional, or not. The events described in the story did happen, or maybe they didn't... I will write it over a period of time... you decide if its true or not..


The Feng Shui Man Said

Chapter 1: Melanie Revisited


As the large jumbo jet commenced its descent into London's Heathrow airport I felt the knot in my tummy tighten. It was as if someone had stuck a winch into me and kept winding it ever so slowly with every passing minute. I gripped onto my glass of gin & tonic a little tighter as I watched the cabin crew go about their business preparing for the landing.

Irene was particularly nice to look at. A pretty face in a petite, yet curvy, sexy body. She had been sitting opposite me during the take off and we started chatting. A university graduate with a Bachelors' in Philosophy, she had started this job 3 years before to fulfil her dream of travelling the world before settling down. She was engaged to be married, and wanted to do as much of her own thing as possible before eventually tying the knot. She wanted 3 children. A boy followed by a girl, then a third one just for the sake of seeing how he or she would look like. I liked watching her work the cabin.

My thoughts drifted from Irene back to 1991. It was the year I met Melanie. The memory of that first meeting so fresh in my mind. It was as if I had only met her yesterday. I had just watched an English play at the Lake Club auditorium in Kuala Lumpur. A comedy piece by a local theatrical company. Political satire with class. I enjoyed it immensely. As I approached my car in the basement parking lot, I noticed the tall, pretty, long haired girl jiggling the door of her car. It was an old 1983 or 1984 Honda Accord. I sauntered over and realized she had locked the key in the car. Using my trusty Swiss Army Knife I managed to release the locking mechanism and save the proverbial damsel in distress. She insisted we go out for a drink and from that point on our friendship bloomed.

The landing was pleasant enough. The Boeing 747 is so huge that as its about to land, the pressure on the runway actually results in huge cushion of air that helps absorb the weight of the mammoth aircraft as it touches down. Being near the front, I reached and cleared immigration fairly quickly. My heartrate increased a hundred fold as I walked out of the arrival hall. I looked around in anticipation. The lobby was very crowded. I gathered that several flights must have landed close to one another.

"Ritchie!", someone called out.

I turned around with great anticipation. The wind was completely knocked out of my sails. It wasn't Melanie. It was her younger sister Athena.

"Where's Mel?" I asked. I suddenly realized I was being rude and gave Athena a hug and asked about her wellbeing and how her drive to London was.

"We couldn't get you on your phone yesterday.", she said. "ChiChi had to attend a funeral today. She sent me to get you".

I froze at those words. It was exactly as the Feng Shui Master had said.

Chapter 2

Doth The Car Maketh The Unker...

Or Doth The Unker Maketh The Car?

So my Mother-in-Law tells me and wifey over dinner today that her brother has just bought himself a 'sporty car'. And after some probing by moi, we discovered it was a Nissan 350Z!!!

Shit! I had to dig 2 grains of chicken rice out from my nostrils after gagging on some cucumber. That 60-yr-old balding pot-bellied cheenatoot has more horsepower at his disposal than me! How am I going to park my average-Joe Renault next to his Fairlady this Chinese New Year? So Malu! :(

Well it got me thinking.

What does your car say about you? Does it say anything at all? About your taste, your lifestyle, your character. Can a Lambo-Gallardo suddenly make a famous Char Kway Teow hawker hip and happenin'? So what if you have the money to get a Prancing Horse or a 3-pointed Star, can you carry it off? Those pale fat couch-potatoes who drive Landy Disco 3s, are they credible as serious off-roaders comfortable in the rainforests of Endau Rompin?

Or izzit who you really are that makes the difference? Can your charasmatic and stylish personality actually make a Kelisa look hip? Would your quirky humor match the wackiness of a Banana-yellow, Gerbera-infested Beetle?

Should cars be an extension of one's personality? I guess so. But what car suits which person? And who's to judge? Tough one huh... Everybody wants to believe that he/she looks chic in a 911 Carrera. But the truth is, money can't buy style and good taste :))

Well I shall leave you all with this 'age-old' conundrum then. In the meantime, I am wet with desire over these babies...

I think I can pull them off...I assume I can! :))


Aston Martin Vantage V8

BMW Z4 Coupe (Concept)

Jaguar XKR

Porsche Cayman

SLK

Alfa Romeo Brera

Maserati Gransport

Nissan Skyline GTR

Saab 9-3 Aero Cabrio

Let Unker Tell U About Music

Young peeper these days, hiazz. Was having kopi with 2 of my early 20-something officers this morning and the conversation turned to music. Lucky I am quite 'in-tuned' with the latest so I could hold my own when the discussion turned to the Pussy Cat Dolls (droolz), Usher, James Blunt, Kelly Clarkson, Green Day, Akon, Five for Fighting, Gwen Stefani (more droolz), Rooster, Missy Higgins et cetera..

And when the talk lingered for a good 10 mins on how cute one SYT thought Jay Chou and Edison Chen were, I had enough! Ok so I was jealous :))

I asked them about unker bands like UB40, Level 42, Dire Straits, Alphaville and OMD and all I got were blank stares. Nabeh! Ok they still knew a little about U2, INXS, Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Depeche Mode and New Order since these bands are still doing stuff today. But not having heard of the Eurythmics and A-Ha? Tsk Tsk! They dunno what they are missing.

Some of the unker bands mentioned above have some interesting band-name origins. I knew the 2 of them girls were not really interested but I told them anyway :)) Since they bored me with Jay and Edison...

UB-40 : Named after a UK unemployment form for social benefit applications, the name of this ang-mo reggae band is derived from 'Unemployment Benefit Form 40'. During the Margaret Thatcher 'Iron Lady' era, Brit Unemploy-eds were called UB40s. Weird!

Dire Straits : When the Sultans of Swing Mark Knopfler and his brother David started the band, they were in financial dire straits! Serious :))Probably lazy ang mos.

Depeche Mode : The name was taken from a French fashion magazine,'Dépêche-mode', which translates to 'Fashion Dispatch' or 'Fast Fashion.' Why fashion? Beats me. But Martin Gore and David Gahan are still very fashionable till this day and their new single Precious from their latest album Playing The Angel brings us back to the good ole electro-synth sounds of the '80s.

New Order : The late Rob Gretton, the band's manager for over 20 years, is credited for having found the name 'New Order' in an article in The Guardian entitled "The People's New Order of Kampuchea". Kopykat! :))

Pet Shop Boys : Tennant and Lowe (so gay!) met by chance at an electronics shop in Chelsea. Realizing they had a common interest in dance music, they began to write together. To begin with, they called themselves West End, because of their love of London's West End, but later they came up with the name Pet Shop Boys, a name derived from some friends who worked in a pet shop in Ealing (i dunno where that is). They said that Pet Shop Boys "sounded like an English rap group".

.....i spy with my little eye

i see the unksters and the wannabes have been busy!!!

unker kona is back in action...well, at least until he has to get his butt back into reservist...

just back from the motherland and man, was it an eye opener....as soon as i get the hang of how to post pix from THE unkster and the muff daddy, will put up some nice ones for one and all to gawk at ;)

unker kona was in beijing and shanghai and have come back home pretty much sated with chinese food...and partially crippled from being dragged by the missus shopping up and down left and right north south east and west...oddly enuff, unker kona quite enjoyed acting the part of the coolie to his empress...

man, muff.....i got a whole list of places for you to visit...some more CHEAP and good food...

till later then folks....i gotta run and get me some shuteye having arrived home this morning at an eye-watering 0515 hours...gak... :(

toodle-loo!!! *wave*

Style-Files@Unkster - Eat, Drink, Man, Woman

I know its Monday but who says we can't look forward to the Weekend!

In the spirit of true hedonistic indulge-lism, Unker Muffy has lined up some chi-chi places to chill out you might want to bring your Significant Other(s) to. Don't keep going back to Orchard and Suntec lah, So Unglam!

And after chillin', when the mood is set, you can adjourn to his/her place for coffee and sex...;) Sounds good? You betcha!

Samar Cafe - 60 Kandahar Street


This charming cafe excites with its true metropolitan Arabic experience. You might also be forgiven for thinking you are in Casablanca. 'Samar' means 'conversations at night' but actually you can chat till morning cos its open 24 hours. Go al fresco or lunch inside on cushioned seats as you partake communally from large plates, the spicy assortment of roasted meats, rice and aromatic salads. Finish with a cup of fresh mint tea and languid puffs from your shisha. Samar literally shines at night when the lit lamps cast intricate and alluring shadows on the egyptian artwork. Simply magical!
Good if you're dating a hot belly dancer! :))

Corduroy and Finch - 779, Bukit Timah Road


At first, I thought this place sold clothing! Sounds so Brit-atas. C & F is actually a cosmo-trendy deli-cafe with a floor-to-ceiling 'library' of gourmet food and a deli stocked with lots of stuff like muffins, pate and meats. Further in, you can have a peek at the busy kitchen crew through a glass larder while seated on comfy chairs, clad in Corduroy of course! The cosy living-lounge upstairs is so kewl for relaxing with freshly-brewed coffee and browsing through the book and mag collection.
Try the Mediterranean platter or Hungarian Goulash. I hear the Tenderloin is excellent too.

Ember at Hotel 1929, 50 Keong Saik Road


Hotel 1929 is a hip boutique hotel on Keong Saik Street whose collection of designer furnishings, from Verner Panton chairs to Marimekko bed covers, have made it a destination of choice for travelers with a design fetish. I like! It has however been overshadowed somewhat by its chic neighbour, The Scarlet, nearby. Overlooking the hotel lobby is the equally uber-kewl Ember restaurant and bar, which is also fashionably appointed with cream and dark wood Z chairs and vintage Louis Poulsen lamps. The restaurant features international cuisine with an Asian twist, under the direction of Executive Chef Sebastian Ng (formerly of the Four Seasons and Raffles hotels). Reservations are recommended, as certain periods, like Friday evenings, seem always full.

The Roast Chicken and Lamb Loin are quite the bagus. For dessert, try a scoop each of lavender, thyme and Bailey's ice cream.

Sushi Yoshida, 6 Devonshire Road
Bar Stop, 8 Devonshire Road

For many years, Yoshida held court at the basement of Lucky Plaza which could seat only 12 people. Despite the elbow-knocking confines of the sushi bar, he drew a loyal following of customers (me and wifey included) and last year, to the delight of his patrons, Yoshida moved into the chic premises of what used to be the bar at The Grill at Devonshire. The best seats in the house are at the sushi bar where you can have a full view of the action. Yoshida, with his thin moustache looks like a Japanese Kempetai General commanding his kitchen staff of four who work with military precision, either delicately slicing up the fish or tending to the grill. My favorite is the Sashimi Moriawase which is a simple offering of tuna, codfish, octopus and prawn. Yoshida takes in a shipment of fish from Japan four times a week and to say that there were fresh would be a gross understatement.

Next door to Yoshida is Bar Stop, a little known place but oooooh so idyllic. Perfect for relaxing under the stars or in an inviting loft-like space with chic, bare-bricked walls. Pop in for Happy Hours frm 5-9pm after your fresh and expensive Japanese dinner. If you haven't had enough Sake that is!

Test Drive Your Future Spouse

As i sat here reading this post & then this post... i was reminded of the rising divorce rates in Singapore (and across the world, generally).

Its an alarming trend and i suppose its being driven by changes in the value systems of the younger generations. We are brought up differently and ignore tradition for the sake of satisfying our individualistic and selfish needs. When the seas get rough, the easiest route is to bail out.

Perhaps, the way forward is for the gahment to introduce a 'test-drive' system for marriages... 'try before you buy'... the only problem is trouble can brew from the very beginning if you meet an SF who is a SYT, while test-driving your future spouse...

2332.

Muffadoodoo says : "If there is anyone befitting the moniker ‘young unker’, it has to be ePing. 24 going on 45, he is alarmingly savvy wif the Ways of The Unk, putting a lot of 30-40 yr olds to shame. ePing counts, amongst his many unkerly pursuits, beer-drinking and listening to old-skool hokkien hits. Today, the Young Unk-in-waiting blogs about his test-driving experience, although you would be hard-pressed to decide if he was driving the car or the girl... "

No, its not a 4D number, its how I call the Nissan Sunny. Try saying Nissan Sunny in hokkien, doesn't it sound like Li-Sah-Sah-Li? Ok so today, I made my way down to Ubi and met a good friend from the car forum I frequent. Lets call him 'teapot 24YOB'. While waiting for him, I ventured into the Tan Chong motors showroom. There I was, standing innocently staring (meanwhile lusting at the Murano test car parked outside) at the 2332, as well as the cute SF*... ahhh, day-dream mode on..ok ok, so a Tan Chong SF ( did I mention cute and very very adorable) approached me..

"Can I assist you??" she says.

"Eh, (while still checking out the car like how I'll usually do, probing every single nook and cranny ) is the free servicing package still available??" in a totally busines-likes and straight tone.

"Yes sir, it is." She replied. All sweet and cheery. (I looked up. Awwww, what a beautiful pair of eyes....gush..)

Is this supposed to be my review of my test drive experience? Oh dear, my bad...

Ok the 2332. So I asked more about the car, price, package blah blah blah blah? There's the EX saloon, the Super saloon, the Super saloon luxury edition blah blah blah blah? So when the ultimate question came in, "Can I have your phone number??" Ok Gotcha!, attempted dry humour @ 2am in the morning, forgive me yah? Its not easy to write a 'field report' at 2am in the morning when barely 3 hrs ago, you were still sitting at Marche with 2 friends, drowning yourself in 2 HUGE 1 litre mugs of erdinger dark. So allow me to day-dream a bit....

"Can I test drive it in auto??" I asked, sheepishly.

"Eh, okie but can I have your licence??" said the cute SF, still in a cheery tone.

"Ooooh kaaaaay!" I replied, in my bad bad bad attempt to look and act cute.

Just as she went out to get the test car ready, I glanced out of the showroom window and saw a dark blue clio turning in. Teapot 24YOB!? I waved. It was my Teapot 24YOB with his LML**.

Anyway, my SYT*** of an SF pulled up in a grey (uber-ly unker of a colour) Ex saloon auto 2332. I happily hopped in. (no suspension or car seats were harmed) She explained the functions of the car to me, what is for what. Boy I was really impressed. Impressed by her professionalism ok? Nothing else. And OFF we went.

(FINALLY some people might think, after reading so much crap about the SYT SF, my humour or whatever that's left of it blah blah blah blah blah)

Actual field report of my test drive. (With a 1.6 entry level car in mind please, no Merc e240s, Bimmer 520is or Audi A4s pls. Just a plain good old sunny.) 7/10. Smooth. Decent. No bad jerks, preeeeeetty much responsive lah, but I had a hard time trying to overtake a taxi that was trying to be funny with me. Of course I had to exercise some self control while testing due to a certain accident that happened recently which came out in the papers. Few things I told the SF that I wanted to try out before we set off. I asked for a straight and hopefully clear road around Ubi with no side road so no jokers can jet out from the side roads and make me a star in tomorrow's papers.So cute, she allowed me to drive into the basement of Tan Chong to park to test out the turning radius since I'm a paranoid fellow when it comes to u-turning. My dad's previous Renault Kangoo is not much of performer in this department. I'm always worried about hitting the curb.

I would seriously consider this car, reasons given.
- Tan Chong dangled a sweet carrot in front of me. FOC Servicing! 1k 5k 10k 20k 30k 40k 50k. So I was told that the 1st 3 services were pretty much the industrial standards here. But I still have to find out what's included. I was told briefly that wear and tear parts are not included.WHAT wear and tear? Alamak!, too brief, need to find out more.
- The SF's cute.
- It's decent looking enough for me to own for 10years. Yes you heard it right, 10years.
- I still think she's cute.
- I'm a sentimental fellow, I passed my license in a 01 sunny. Period. *lol
- Did I mention she's cute?

Ok so after 779 words, my conclusion. I wanna OPC SUNNY!

Unker-in-waiting, ePing, signing off.

*SF - sales facilitator
**LML - love of my life
*** - SYT - sweet young thing.

Poor Little Rich Girl

Whenever I think of A, I am reminded of that old Beatle's song...

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

A's a good friend and she's going through a divorce. At 29 and only after 3 years of wedded 'bliss', that's pretty young and fast. A tells me that you don't have to undergo a period of separation if you have been married for that long. "It only cost me 4000 bucks and my lawyer's so cute" she gushed. Ahhh, the sanctity of marriage. It helps of course that the Union has produced zero children. Instead, it has spurned a Semi-D in District 9, 2 Alfas and a Beemer, countless trips to Burswood and Crown casinos in Perth and Melbourne and 2 award-winning Golden Retrievers appropriately named Duchess and Kingsly. I wonder when Lisa Ang's gonna interview her on High Life.

But under that epicurean and independent veneer, I always knew that there was more to A. Its just that with all the moolah in the world and an Ivy League degree, u can still have arse luck with men.

And so we were having coffee the other day, languidly sipping our Long Blacks while she puffed away.

"You know I aborted the fella" she said.

"Aborted who?" I blurted. "When?"

" In August, when I found out that he was screwing this waitress at Velvet" she whispered. A little tear escaped the corner of her eye.

" Alamak!" I exclaimed. " He know or not?"

" Nope" she whispered again.

" Then why you never say?" My voice rising rapidly. " You silly silly girl!"

" I never loved him lah" she said firmly "Besides, we can't lose something we never had"

" But at least he should know what. Perhaps things will change?" I ventured.

" Its not his.....not his" and then she looked away....

We drove home in silence.

"Unker" Sam's High Tea Adventure

Muffadoodoo says : "24 year old Sammmmm is an Unker in the making. Still very much looking for a job after graduating with 1st Class Honors, he spends his waking hours driving the Love of his Life around and generally chomping his way through Bedok and Tampines. Today, Sammmmm blogs about his 2 favorite activities, yes u guessed it, girl(s) and food..."


Hi folks! I am priveleged to be invited to guest blog on Unkster... Although I'm far from being an unker yet

LML is looking around for places to celebrate her 21st birthday party this Christmas Eve. From her past experiences, people are usually not free on that day. A 10 yr old LML was so disappointed that very few people came to her birthday party on Christmas Eve, so it's gonna be on the 18th of Dec for a small group of 30-40 close friends.

We went around to recce some of the hotels in town that served Sunday high-teas. I did the cheapo thing and parked at Goodwood Park Hotel for free before walking to the other hotels in the area. Hehhee..

A lady we spoke to thought we were enquiring for our ROM ceremony or something.

*blush*

At the end of the day, it was down to:

1.



Goodwood Park Hotel International high-tea

Price: $20.80+++.

Pros: Good spread. Mee Siam, laksa, kueh pai ti, roti prata, fried noodles, carrot cake, dim sum, finger food, good range of pastries, ice cream.

Cons: Area too open to cordon off. Service questionable. Too many kids screaming and taitais yakking at the tops of their voices.


2.



Scotts Lounge @ Grand Hyatt Hotel

Price: $23+++

Pros: Nice ambience. Cosy settings. Can easily cordon off a small area for the little party

Cons: Spread is pathetic, especially for foodies like me. But may not be such a problem since many of LML's friends are taitai wannabes who eat finger food only and gulp down pots of tea anyway.


3.



Cafe Vienna @ Royal Plaza on Scotts

Price: $27+++

Pros: Nice ambience. Cozy nooks in the cafe that can be cordoned off.

Cons: Spread is mostly finger food once again, but much better than the previous hotel's. There's a "5th diner dines for $1" promo but not available on weekends.


LML is still deciding. But that didn't stop us from sampling the high-tea at Goodwood Park Hotel.

I had my lunch, tea and dinner in one sitting.

Burp.

Pardon Us While We Renovate

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all our muslim brothers and sisters. And to those who invited me to their Open Houses, yes all 16 of you, sorry but I'm at home stoinking since I wuz working last nite. Have an extra Ketupat for me!

Well as you can see, unkster is undergoing a minor face-lift of sorts. Many of you have asked us unkers, why pink? (we prefer to call it Unkdung, its hip-unker-pink-bandung). Well, we thought that Unkdung represented the Metrosexuals in us. Unkdung also gave Unkster a fushcia-ed retro peek into the 70s, a decade when the 3 of us were fused from ova and sperm.

We are still experimenting. The banner you see above is one of a Landrover Freelander in full off-roading glory. Yah sure, as if u can tell! The background coror has also been changed to, what we would like to tink, Gun-Metal Grey. I wuz telling Curly, that GM-Grey would be the coror of my new Lexus GS300 wif the Mark Levinson sound system, Quad Pipes and 19 inchers. oh drooooolzzz :))

So pardon us while we renovate. You can help us innovate. Juz drop us a line and say what you would like to see on Unkster.

Remember, if it ain't Kinky, it ain't Funky!

Tata :)

Cunfessions & Aspirations - Part II (the other unkers contribution)

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.*
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.*
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.* (too late now!)
I have been tied up during sex.*
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.*
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.*
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.*
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.********
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.*

Cunfessions & Aspirations

OK wifey wun be back till Friday and I'm horny as hell! And shucks, its nearly 5 in the morning. Most of you would probably be in the middle of a wet dream! Got this from another BLOG..shouldn't be reading dis kinda thing when ur dying for some hot and heavy action :))


Copy this entire list into your blog
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.

Here goes...

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold. I have blindfolded someone else during sex.*
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.*
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.*
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.********
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.*