"The Wall"

building a career is like running a marathon. you know, its a long term thing. its not a sprint.

and like a marathon, at around the 23rd mile you hit 'the wall'.

i think 4 years is about the average time before i hit my career wall. in my past two jobs, i only lasted four years before getting bored, and restless and going through that period of unhappiness and eventually giving in and quitting rather then staying on and going past that wall and making it to the end.

well, i'm coming up to the wall again. in a few months it would be four years at my present job... i'm already starting to get that familiar feeling. last friday, i feigned sickness to avoid a meeting where i was to give a progress up date for a project i'm leading - only there was no progress since the last meeting.... those are the kind of situations you get into when you hit the wall.

i'm hopin i'll be over this soon and this time i will work hard at getting past that point and going on to finish the race, instead of bailing out.

muffy, any songs about walls you could load up? :-))

Muff The Maid

Yesterday 28 Mar 06, I :

1. Vacuumed the whole apartment wif my new Phillips Vac which I had to go out and buy cos the one my landlady left me couldn't suck up a blardy crippled dustmite to save its life.
2. Ripped out my sofa cover and sent it for dry-cleaning. Thank god for velcro!
3. Did 2 weeks worth of laundry, wuz running out of boxers and socks and t-shirts and jeans and...
4. Called up the phone company, CC companies, newspaper man etc to notify change of address. Damn those CC companies that give u free cards!
5. Finally hooked up and calibrated the Bose. Enuff wires from here to Timbuktoo

And then went to work from 1-11.

Not fun! =(

Greetings From The Pad

Will just sneak in a couple of minutes from an extremely tiring day moving to say HELLO! from muff's new crib.

The movers did a pretty decent job but I'm still deadbeat from all that packing. Alone I may add. And now as I sit here looking at the cartons left to unpack, I feel a migraine coming.

Slept at 4 this morning finishing up a couple of Hoegaardens I did not want to carry over from my old place. Woke up at 7 to do some last minute stuffing =)). And now I have to get my sorry arse to work. Deputy not in town lah...bleah!

Still, my own place! =)

P.S K dear if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

Gomenasai

Gomen nasai is Japanese for 'I'm Sorry'. The song with the mis-spelt title is probably going to be a hit on S'pore radio for Russian sex kittens t.A.T.u who, if you have seen them lately, shed their schoolgirl-lolita image for a more..erm..vampy-lolita one =)) Pity the vid is sort of a tribute to Japanese Anime with Gundam-resque robots and AstroBoy-type antics. Cos there is no physical sign of the girls appearing in Sailor-Moon/RaceQueen outfits, only their voices =P

Enjoy the melodic melancholic refrain though...and when you sing along, try not to mangle gomenasai or you could end up sounding vulgar =))

Access the song here

What I thought wasn't mine
In the light
Was one of a kind,
A precious pearl

When I wanted to cry
I couldn't cause I
Wasn't allowed

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
I know I let you down
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend like I do now

What I thought wasn't all
So innocent
Was a delicate doll
Of porcelain

When I wanted to call you
And ask you for help
I stopped myself

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
I know I let you down
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend like I do now

What I thought was a dream
An mirage
Was as real as it seemed
A privilege
When I wanted to tell you
I made a mistake
I walked away

Gomenasai
For everything
Gomenasai
Gomenasai
Gomenasai
I never needed a friend,
Like I do now

Gomenasai
I let you down
Gomen nasai
Gomenasai,
Gomenasai 'til the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now

'Bachelor' Pad

Taking over my rented apartment at 5pm today. Will move some fragile stuff over then the full-scale shift will take place tommorrow morning at 9.

Mixed feelings. Going to miss my old place, but waiting to enjoy my new 'bachelor' pad.

See how it goes.

Cool

Its bound to happen at some point, meeting the ex with their new squeeze.

This is the story for Gwen Stefani's video which I first caught at Changi Airport before boarding a flight to Perth in Jul 05. In a beautiful old mansion, Gwen opens the door for her ex-boyfriend and his fiancee. They all sit down for some small-talk, but interspersed with their meeting is Gwen's flashbacked memories of the good times. Gwen is simply gorgeous as a brunette and its obvious from the furtive glances and body language that there is still some chemistry between them. But as Gwen sings it, everything is cool.

Just the way we try to play it when the ex has found someone new.

Access the song here


It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new
girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool

Sleepless In Serangoon

Sleepless again with only the sounds of Mr Jay 'mumbly' Chou for company.

I really need to wake up early and get those cartons up and dump the remainder of my stuff into them before I move on Saturday. But I'll probably end up waking up at lunchtime. Contemplating whether I should pack now =))

Naah. Had a long day at work. Will go lie in bed and count sheep.

Wen Rou

Wen Rou (Wu Yue Tian)

zou zai fengzhong jintian yangguang turan hao wenrou
tian de wenrou di de wenrou xiang ni baozhu wo
ranhou faxian nide gaibian gudande jinhou
ruguo leng gai zenme duguo
tianbian fengguang shenbian de wo dou buzai ni yanzhong
ni de yanzhong cangzhu shenme wo conglai dou bu dong
meiyou guanxi ni de shijie jiu rang ni yongyou
bu da rao shi wo de wenrou
bu zhidao bu ming liao bu xiang yao weishenme wo de xin
mingming shi xiang kaojin que gudan dao liming
bu zhidao bu ming liao bu xiang yao weishenme wo de xin
na aiqing de qili zong shi zai gudan li
zaiba wo de zuihao de ai gei ni
buzhi bujue buqing buyuan you dao xiang zi kou
wo meiyou ku ye meiyou xiao yinwei zhe shi meng
meiyou yuzhao meiyou liyou ni zhende dou shuoguo
ruguo you jiu rang ni ziyou ziyou zhe shi wo de wenrou

Tenderness (Mayday)

Walk in the wind, today's sunlight, a sudden tenderness
The sky's tenderness, the earth's tenderness, like you embracing me
And then to discover you've changed, I'm alone from now on
How would I go on if it gets cold?
The horizon's light, I'm at your side but not even in your eyes
What are your eyes hiding? I have never understood
It doesn't matter, I'll let you have your own world
Not disturbing you is my tenderness
I don't know, don't understand, don't want, why, my heart
Obviously it wants intimacy, yet I'm lonely until dawn
I don't know, don't understand, don't want, why, my heart
That love's beauty is always all alone
I'll give you my best love again
Unwittingly, unwillingly, I'm at the the entrance of this alley again
I haven't cried, yet haven't laughed, because this is a dream
There was no sign, no reason, you've really said it all
If I gave you freedom ~freedom~ that would be my tenderness

Unkers@TheMovies - V For Vendetta

I confess I walked into GV Great World City without a clue what this movie was about. I only knew it starred the very delectable Natalie Portman and that was reason enough to give it a shot. A said she wanted to watch a "mushy movie" but 2 cowboys breaking each others' back wasn't our cup of tea :/

Well my verdict about V is that you'll either love it or hate it. I loved it, A fell asleep for certain stretches =)). But she didn't hate it. Well she did fall in love with Julie London's sultry rendition of Cry Me a River though, which was playing on an old jukebox in the movie.

Set against the futuristic landscape of totalitarian Britain, V is a story of a young woman named Evey (Portman) who is rescued from near rape and death by a masked vigilante known only as V. Suave, charismatic and highly-skilled in the art of combat (especially with flying daggers), V urges his fellow citizens to rise up against tyranny and oppression. As Evey uncovers the truth about V's mysterious background, she also discovers the truth about herself - and emerges as his unlikely ally in his plot to bring freedom and justice back to a society fraught with cruelty and corruption.

Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith, The Matrix) plays V, a terrorist extraodinaire behind a Guy Fawkes mask. Never mind that the Shakespeare-quoting, rose-carrying V comes dangerously close to Phantom of the Opera corniness. I think he made quite a few female hearts in the cinema flutter. Well A's certainly did.

The source material for the show is a 1989 graphic novel illustrated by David Lloyd and written by Alan Moore. In this 2006 update, England is a police state ruled by Chancellor Sutler (John Hurt), a Nazi-like dictator who strips citizens of their civil rights and religious freedoms in exchange for protection from biological weapons of mass destruction.

On her first meeting with V, who saves her from Sutler's 'police', Evey is taken to a rooftop for some fireworks. Like a orchestral conductor, V directs Evey to watch as the Old Bailey blows up and lights the night sky, all to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. It is V who rigged the bombs, in honor of Guy Fawkes, the Catholic bozo who tried but failed to blow up Parliament House on 5th Nov 1605. And then got publicly hung for his efforts. V is however determined not to fail, vowing that next year, on 5th Nov 2020, Parliament will be history.

V then brings Evey to his secret lair where she soon begins her journey to discovering his sad and painful past which has pushed him on this personal vendetta against Sutler and his cronies. In the process, Evey gets 'arrested' and shaved bald (Portman sacrificed her own hair for this role) but still manages to look as sexy as Demi Moore in GI Jane =P

Portman puts in a stellar performance, and she really is the heart and soul of the movie. Queen Amidala aside, from The Professional to Closer, this is one of her better performances. Here her portrayal of a tortured and confused Evey, with a past of her own, really tells us why she is one of the best actresses in this generation. And a smart Harvard cookie to boot.

Nay-sayers will say the show is trying too hard to wake up a politically-apathetic generation but falls flat on its face by trying to weave in a Phantom-resque love story.

I say the guy in the Guy Fawkes mask rawkz! =))

Half Empty

K moved out today.

Yes after a 1 week delay which I was thankful for.

But the reality of a half-empty apartment hit me like a tonne of bricks when I got back home 1/2 an hour ago. I spent the day at the movies and having drinks with a friend because I didn't want to be around to see the stuff being carted out.

Just spent another 15 mins stoning on my sofa, not thinking. There's not much more to think.

Hope I don't wallow all through the night though. Its pathetic.

Its An 80's Weekend..

On unkFM.

Sit back and boogie with the likes of Al Corley, Baltimora. Bananarama, Cool And The Gang, El Debarge, Katrina and The Waves, Tears for Fears, UB40, The Beloved, OMD, When In Rome, Wet Wet Wet and Wham!

Tears For Fears

I don't know why I make people cry.

Lately, when people talk to me, they cry. I have this ability to open the floodgates it seems. Maybe I scare the shit outta them =))

When I counsel my officers on their poor work performance, they cry. When they tell me about their family problems, they cry. When they call me up to tell me a family member or Significant Other has got into an accident or into some kind of trouble and they themselves can't report to work, they cry. When I lose my temper and scold them, they cry. When they come to me to appeal for lighter duties, they cry. And mind you, some are grown men 10 years my senior.

I need Tear-Management Training!

Why ah? I look like a sucker for tears izzit? My office run out of tissue paper liao. Serious! Just today I had to handle 2 crybabies. They had to make do with the back of their hands =))

Sometimes when I listen to them, I myself feel like crying. But its tears of frustration lah =)) I have since learnt how to sieve out the crocodile tear-ers. And I tell you, mostly its the women! Taiwanese drama material.

K says that i'm quite the crybaby too. But only sometimes. Ssshhh, that's our little secret ;) Perhaps its retribution?

Time Flies?

Its been exactly a month already, has it really? Feels more like 3. You said so too just now.

They say time flies when you're having fun so I guess we're not having much fun ya?

Someone told me Feb 15 was a cruel day to say goodbye, being post-Valentine's Day and all that. I told that someone, no day is a good day to say goodbye. Better 15 than 14 anyway.

I'm here without you and you're there without me. Perhaps that's why 1 feels like 3.

Perhaps.

Remedy

Anybody got a remedy for...

1. A kink in the neck
2. 5hrs of sleep
3. Overwhelming sian-ness from having to attend a last-min meeting in the arvo
4. Melancholy

Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy

Original Singer/Songwriter Sting was reportedly moved to tears when he heard Eva's version. American celebrity figure-skater Michelle Kwan brought Eva's music to the world when she performed to this at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah.

K and me used to play this over and over again on our late night drives back home.

Soulful Cassidy, taken away from us at 33 in 1996.

Much too young.

Night Bird

I used to be an owl.

My best mugging hours were from 2300hrs to 0500hrs the next day. I used to club till 3 on weekends and wake up at mid-day. I could yak on the phone with my girlfriend till we would both fall asleep on each other before daybreak. Me and my bestfriend would have wanton mee at 4am and then wake up for 'luncher' at 4pm.

Then when I got married, I became a morning Lark (For the ornithologically dis-inclined, a Lark is a bird k =P). Fine, my eyes didn't exactly pop open at 0600 every morning but still, it was a big change. I actually felt sleepy by about midnite.

Well the innate night-bird in me is slowly surfacing again. I'm not out partying till the wee hours but I find myself so awake even at 4 in the morning, only to wake up at mid-day. When I used to be a little stoned doing the graveyard shift at work, I now call for meetings at 2 in the morning, much to the chagrin and quiet despair of my officers :)) Even after a night out clubbing, I come home, put on some jazz on the Bose and chill with a hot cuppa. Alone with my thoughts, on the Net or jamming with Denise on MTV, I'm contented when having a fag in the balcony, to see the lights in the other apartments go off one by one.

I'm re-discovering the peaceful seduction (ok oxymoron!) of dusk all over again.

Is this a new-found freedom I am enjoying? Or is this just a brief Transylvannic sojourn? Maybe I'm just too afraid to go to sleep alone. I don't know.

Will find out soon enough...

Fabulous Saturday

Yeah Right!

Spent the day packing and smoking and packing and smoking and packing and smoking wif sporadic guerilla forays into Cyberspace.

Man this sucks big time.

The electrician also came to remove and replace all our lights. So the apartment feels like the Sahara, all dusty and sandy. I haven't touched the vacuum cleaner in a month.

And now, when I'm all ready to hit the town for some grub and drinks with frens, its like the Mother of all Thunderstorms outside. Blardy hurricane out there. So much for taking a taxi, tink I'll have to drive.

God please make my Saturday better...please! =))

Seen The Rain?

OK I feel like a blardy DJ =)) Love Me sickens moi oredi. No such fairytale one lah! :P Lets up the tempo abit to something from the SpinDoctors. A re-make of a Creedence Clearwater Revival classic. New-Skool rockers with an Old-Skool hit, so unkster-ish. RaWk on!

Love Me

About Parental Objection
About Running Away Together
About Not Giving Up
About Longing
About Bliss
About Lost
But Most of All, About Love

Don't you wish we could all grow old like that...


I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. He said,
"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, I found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away,
In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

Love's Theme

Had a dream last night. I was in my late father's car on the way to school and Gold90FM was on the radio, like always. This song was playing as the background music to some talkshow with DJ Lynn Saadon on air.

Love's Theme, by the Love Unlimited Orchestra. Interestingly, the orchestra was conducted by the late soul maestro Barry White and this song reached No 1 on the US charts in 1974.

Daddy you used to ask me what song this was. Playing it for you now.

Phases, Phrases

Phase I : Emotional Confusion
Phase II : Pain Pain Pain
Phase III : Lingering Pain with Gradual Acceptance
Phase IV : The Urge to Move On, And Quickly
Phase V : Emotional Stabilization and Acceptance
Phase VI : Happiness

So its Phase III moving on to Phase IV for me. I need to move on and to do that, I need to move out. My new Landlady says 24 Mar but I told her I want to do it preferbly by the weekend before that. She'll get back to me but no promises. If I could, I would move tommorrow. A half empty apartment after the 12th is certainly not a happy prospect.

To tell you the truth, I have 1 leg in Phase III and the other in Phase IV. Not a comfortable position really. You know how perching on a fence can hurt your backside?

Well once Phase IV is in full swing, Phase V will come pretty quickly I reckon. We are both adaptable people.

It is Phase VI that is a little tricky. We both don't know.

Shall leave it as Happiness for the time-being...

No More Rhyme

Its hard to believe this song is 17 years old. Scary.

Back in 1989, it was a huge hit for Debbie Gibson (well at least in S'pore altho' it only peaked at #17 on the US Charts I tink). Yes dear Debbie, the schoolboy crush of almost every pubescent teenager back when break-dancing at Centrepoint was still very much the rage. And when you could stuff 10 chickens in the black baggy pants of some ah bengs. I was a goody-2-shoes, carefree Sec 4 schoolboy in 1989 and 17 years on, I wonder how things have turned out the way they have.

I've always felt the rhythm, what happens when there's no more rhyme.

Emily Says...

They might not need me– yet they might–
I'll let my heart be just in sight–
A smile so small as mine might be
Precisely their necessity.

~ Emily Dickinson



dear friend, i have no reference point to understand what you are going through... i have no idea if you need a friend, or not. but know that i'm here should i be needed.

Packing, Moving and Saying Goodbye...

Just signed the Letter of Intent for my rented 2-bedder apartment today. Needless to say, the usual excitement and anticipation of moving into a new home was glaringly missing. I took a good 5 mins to pen my signature. Oh well :/

K and me then popped over to the apartment for a look-see. I wanted to tell my new landlady A, who incidentally is a single mum and recent divorcee (a cruel twist of coincidence!), what I wanted moved out and what I wanted retained for my use. Basically, everything in the kitchen I needed - washing machine, dryer, fridge plus her vacuum cleaner. Everything in the living room and bedrooms she could ship out. I have my own stuff. A was super accomodating, bless her heart.

My agent R also met K for the first time today and we all had an 'awkward' moment. I introduced K as my missus and he asked "err..new one ah?". Me and K didn't know whether to laugh or cry. R then sheepishly remarked how K and me belonged to the minute 1% minority of separated couples who were still on such good terms. We still didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He then changed topic. Later at A's apartment, she sort of expressed the same surprise. Oh well :/

Over the next few weeks, K and me will have to go through the painful task of packing our stuff separately. Actually she'll be moving out by next Sunday. Which leaves me with a half-empty 4-bedder apartment, devoid of a washing machine, dryer, fridge, microwave oven, vacuum cleaner, half the utensils, pots/pans and most importantly, a soulmate of 10-years. I'll only be moving out at the end of the month cos A has yet to find a new place.

I am so not looking forward to Sunday. I hope to be at work. I wish.

I know I shouldn't have brought K along to A's apartment. But I wanted her opinion and for her to see where I would be staying from now on. I now understand why she didn't ask me along to see hers. Cos we both walked out of the place today feeling like shit. Excuse me, but that is what it was.

Will end here. Because I haven't cried before while blogging...

Separate Lives

In 2 weeks, this will become a reality.

I can't begin to describe the fear and the pain. But like the proverbial bitter pill, I know deep down inside it is for the best.

This is not Goodbye. Perhaps it will even be a new Hello. Our only promise is that we will try, hard as it may be.

How it has come to this, I still ask myself everyday.....everyday.....


You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

Misty

Somedays its misty, other times its foggy. But lately, it has really been smokey. Bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Such a bittersweet feeling...


Look at me,
I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree
And I feel like I'm clinging to a cloud
I can't understand,
I get misty, holding your hand.

Walk my way,
And a thousand violins begin to play
Or it might be the sound of your hello
That music I hear,
I get misty the moment you're near

You can say that you're leading me on
But it's just what I want you to do
Don't you realize how hopelessly I'm lost
That's why I'm following you.

On my own,
Would I wander through this wonderland alone
Never knowing my right foot from my left,
My hat from my glove,
I get misty, and too much in love.

I'm too misty, and too much in love